If Only You Knew
by Grace Harney
Summary: But you just don't. Harley Quinn POV. One-shot.


_Author's Note: Batman the Animated Series - Harley Quinn. Heath Ledger's Joker. _

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If only you knew. But you just don't.

I get so scared... When you come at me like that. I don't know what to expect. Even after all this time. Everytime you get angry like that. I think you're going to kill me. I think you're going to take your knife out and slice my throat. You nicked it a little last time. I was bleeding a little. Did you know? I don't think so. You were too busy throwing the knife away.... And squeezing your hands around my neck. I think I passed out, just a little.

But hey, Mista J. Don't worry. You didn't kill me. You scared me, but I think you scared yourself too. You thought you'd killed me.

Haha. It would take more than that to get rid of me. Not that you'd want to.

Right?

Did I do something wrong?

I can't remember doing anything to make you mad. I just want to see you smile. Well, I see that all the time.... But I don't like to make you mad. You've got enough problems without me adding to them. Like Batman. Oh yeah, that's how it started. I mentioned him.

_Sigh_. I wish I could just get him for you. You know I've tried. I've tried so hard. I just can't get it right. I hate myself for it. Everytime something goes wrong. I plan it so perfectly, and it gets screwed up because he does something I didn't think of! I hate that lousy, no good bastard! He's always ruining things between us! And all I want is for us to be happy. Why can't we just be happy? Why can't we just forget about him?

_Bam! Slap! _Oh yeah. That's what I'd _said_ about Batman. Why can't you just be happy with something simple? Why does it have to be some big dramatic act? I like it simple. Simple. Ever heard of that word??? Oooh!!!! You make me so mad sometimes!

_Sigh._ But I could never, _ever_ be mad at you forever. I love you so much. If only you knew. But you just don't.

Oh. By the way, Mista J. (Haha, that rhymes!)

_**Who **_told you your scars are ugly?? Tell me now, and I'll go cut their tongues out! I _swear _I'll do it. I'll tie them up, and take a rusty old knife and carve their tongue out. I'll put it on a plate for you so you'll get a good laugh out of it. I'll teach 'em to call _you_ ugly.

_Sigh_. Oh! The first time I saw you, I'd never seen a more handsome man, a more tortured soul, a person more in need of unconditional love. All I could think about was watching you smile, and making you laugh. All I could think about was how naked you looked without all that paint. They shouldn't have taken those away from you. They're part of you. They may as well have cut off your hand, am I right?

I'm right, I know you better than you think.

Then I see you sleeping like a baby. I walked past your cell so many times back then - more than I had to. You were so innocent, so gentle. Breathing softly, you never snore. Did you know that? You're so vulnerable. I lay awake all night sometimes, afraid someone might hurt you. Someone like Batman. I just want to break his neck. You've seen me try lots of times. I just can't get it right! _Uurrghhhhh!!!!!!!!_

Okay. I have to calm down. But that Batman gets me so mad!!!!! How would you like him? Would you like him just tied up to a bomb? Would you like him sinking in quicksand? Would you like every bone in his body broken? Would you like him on an electric chair? Oh wait, we did that once. It didn't work.

_Sigh_. You never tell me these things. You can talk to me. I'm here. I'm here to listen. I'm here for you. I'm here. You can beat me if you want. I'll never leave you. I'm here all the time. Just tell me what you want. I'll do anything. _Anything_.

If only you knew. But you, _just_. Don't.

You don't understand. You don't! How could you not? I've been coming back every single time! Oh, I'm so crazy. I'm so lost. I'm so desperate to be with you. Even when I'm with you I miss you. I can't get enough. I love you so much. I don't care if you hit me. I don't care. Do it more. I don't care. It's you. Only you. If I have to get beaten to be with you, then that's how it'll be. If I have to get raped, then that's how it will be. It has to be that way. I have to be with you. If I'm not.... I'll just... I'll just _die!_ I'll die. I'll starve. I'll waste away. What would I ever do without my baby? My sweetheart, my Puddin'? Only mine. Aaaah! I'm so lucky! I have you all to myself!

Take me away, Baby! Like you always do! I forget about everything. I forget the world exists. You are my world. You. You're more real than the world. I love you so much. I see you. I breathe you. I'd eat you if I could, but I don't think that's a good idea. You can eat me if you want. I'll slit my wrists so you can drink my blood. Not for long though. Otherwise I'll die. But if that's what you want... I'll do it. Is that what you want?

You don't think I'm serious. I'll actually do it. Here look, I have a knife to my wrists. It's one of yours, so you know it's sharp. I'll do it you know. I'll really do it. I swear. But only if that's what you want. I'll do anything for you.

If only you knew. But you just don't.


End file.
